Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Insanity and Profanity

Last night, while watching Jeopardy with my husband, I found myself struggling to formulate any answers even though I could feel my brain trying to grasp for them. I asked my husband "Do you think that the chemo is killing my brain cells too"? To which, he responded something along the lines of..."No, it is not killing your brain cells. You are just intimidated by my genius and are getting flustered". Phew. Cause I need all the healthy brain cells I can get.

But, then today, I started to question my sanity. Maybe my brain cells are intact, but are they sane? The reason I say this is because I just took a walk. In the rain. In my pajamas. And I had a conversation the entire time, not with myself, but with cancer. And I was very pissed off. Me and cancer. We.had.it.out.

I walked at such a feverish pace that I am pretty sure I tore both my groin muscles and dislocated a hip or a vertebrae or something. But, that's ok. Because mentally I feel great! These are physical pains that can be relieved with vicodin and motrin and heating pads. But, the spirit...there are no pills for that. It can only be self-treated.

My conversation with cancer went something like this:

Cancer, you suck. I hate you. Cancer, you picked the wrong person to mess with, so why don't you just get outta here and mess with someone else (of course...don't even think about messing with any of my loved ones or my loved ones loved ones or any really great awesome people or well....anyone, for that matter). Why don't you just disappear. Why don't you go *bleep* yourself. Cause there ain't no way you are taking this chick down, *bleeper* *bleeper*. This sistah don't mess around and you will not win against me. I am a warrior. I do not want you here. I exile you from my body. Go away. Stay away. Don't f%&* with me!
At one point during my walk, I noticed that the doggy waste bags actually state in large letters "Here today, gone by next year". WTF, cancer?? Are you trying to f%&* with me?? Are you mocking me?? There was a small part of me that really did not like the sight of this. A part of me that thought "oh no, it's a sign"? But the bigger part of me...the winning part of me says "Its JUST a plastic bag. F you, plastic bag"!! It just fueled my fire, as I lifted two hands and presented the bag with 2 middle fingers. (Though it is pretty cool that my park supplies biodegradable waste disposal bags for our doggies). If this is what Dr. Bernie Seigel calls a fighting spirit...I am pretty sure I have it.

Granted, I think it is easy for me to have this fighting spirit because I feel so good. I feel better now than I did before I started treatment. My doctor says "That's because IT'S WORKING"! And again, that small part of me thinks "he is just saying that to be nice". But the bigger part of me knows....what else could it mean? It's definitely working. It HAS to be. Still, I wonder if I would have this same energy and attitude if I wasn't feeling well. Whatever. Let's just not find out. LOL.

Anyway...cancer is just one type of "problem". It just happens to be one of those problems that puts the spotlight on your fears and forces you to change your focus and perspective on life. But, I know plenty of my friends and loved ones who have been down their own dark roads of despair. Who have dealt with problems far more intense and difficult and scary than I am dealing with. Do me a favor...whatever problems you are facing today...take a moment today to say "F%&* you" to your problem. Do not let it own you. Yes...there are some really crappy circumstances that we cannot control and it sucks major balls, but do not let it take your spirit. You are in control. No matter how deep your despair....there is always hope.

*I tried to keep this clean because I am pretty sure that at least half of my 6 readers do not appreciate offensive and profane language. So I apologize if you did not care for my language and I hope you will still come back to read again when I am feeling less enraged. But,  let's face it...cancer deserves to be offended. I didn't invite cancer into my home. Cancer is not welcome here. Cancer can just get its sorry ass off my couch and take a hike. Adios. Sayonara. Too da loo.

5 comments:

  1. Give cancer H#@* Vash! I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and the chemo is not sapping your energy :)

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  2. Vashni, you can tell cancer to "suck it" anytime you want. If you want to use profanity, you certainly won't offend this particular follower. I am so impressed with your willingness to share your experiences here. It's inspiring and you're doing so much more than blogging. You are having it out with the evil Big C. That fightin' spirit you've been blessed with is your sword - wield it with pride AND some good old-fashioned swear words, girl!!

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  3. Ok, how to start.... I am reading your blog for the first time. You already made me laugh and cry. I feel like my life sucks right now, but I am not dealing with a life threatening illness. And I do need to twll the funk that is weighing me soqn to gwt its hairy bum outta my door. You rock. I miss you ans will say mucho power prayers that you scared the poop out of that schmancer. And, until then, you can rock the bald look if it really happens. Because you are strong and amazing. Hugs!

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  4. Vashni, you can be as profane as you want. You are a great writer, and I'm glad that I just discovered your blog! Stay strong!! xoxo

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  5. Vashni, your fighting spirit is what it takes to beat this demon!! I have another friend that lost his tongue, vocal cords, voice box, and 3/4 of his jaw over the summer due to oral cancer and he's got the same fighting spirt you have!! He found more cancer the week before Labor Day, just underwent another round of radiation, will have another PET scan in a few weeks only, and then a chemo plan will be set up/followed. He's already undergone 3 surgeries and has at least one more to reconstruct his jaw after chemo. You both are very inspiring to me. I will be here to support you through your fight!! Stay strong!!

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