"Can we PLEASE talk about something else?"

I have spent a lot of time obsessing about my hair. Probably more than I have obsessed about any other part of this journey. A bit odd, I know. But, I figure it's the one thing that will make my dis-ease visible to the general public...and it's also a bit of a "lighter" thing to obsess about compared to some of the places I am refusing to let my mind go to. If ya catch my drift.

When the doctors told me that, with the cocktail I am on, I will definitely be losing my hair (wouldn't it be a riot if I am the exception to this and all this obsessing is for naught?), I realized that I would probably need to somehow gently explain this to my stepdaughter. It was decided amongst us co-parenting adults that it would be best to talk to her in person, so we decided that the weekend of her 8th birthday party would be an appropriate time. Exactly WHEN on this weekend of the 8th birthday party ending up resting on my shoulders. And...a new obsession was born...when and how to tell my stepdaughter that perhaps the next time she sees me, I will be bald.

I didn't really want to explain what cancer was or what cancer might do to me. I don't think that this is something her young spirit needs to bear at this point. I have zero idea if that was the right approach or not. Regardless, by Saturday night, I couldn't bear it any longer. I had to tell her something. I didn't want to tell her Sunday and then drop her off with her mom (though the idea was tempting. Ha ha.) So, I told her I had to tell her something and that part of it was kind of "weird". I explained to her that all the doctors I have been seeing (she knows I have been through the medical ringer since April 2010) finally figured out what was wrong with me and now they are giving me some really really strong medicine to make me better. And that the "weird" part is that the medicine is so strong that it is going to make my hair fall out.

At this point....I felt relief to have gotten it out. UNTIL. Until, my stepdaughter looked at me, eyes as wide as I have ever seen them, and said "I really wish you hadn't told me that"!! She then laid down on the couch and pulled her blanket over her head. I tried to explain that I would probably be covering my head with hats and scarves and a wig. She peeked out and said "Will it grow back?" To which, I said "Oh yes!!" Then I said..."what do you think about your daddy shaving his head too?" Her response: "NOOOO"!!! She then covered her head under the blanket again and said "Can we PLEASE talk about something else"?

Sigh. I felt terrible. I felt as if this was a big FAIL. Huge. But, I know she will process it and be ok. In the end, she will probably handle it better than I. The next day...out of the blue, she told me that there is a girl at her school who has no hair. She didn't want to discuss it further, but that is how I know she is processing it. 

Anyway...I can't believe I forget to share this. Not the easiest thing I ever had to do and looking back almost a week later, the whole conversation makes me laugh. I am not sure how I expected it to unfold...but certainly not so dramatically and horror-like. Ha ha. Thank God she didn't ask anymore questions!