So...Monday's chemotherapy marked my halfway point for treatment. Yay!! Since the whole thing has been pretty tolerable, it doesn't necessarily feel like a victory or that big of a deal, but I suppose it should be. My blood counts have remained stellar and my pain has been gone since the first treatment. I count myself as very lucky for all of this. Is there fear lurking beneath? Hell yes. But, my optimism reigns. And the fear that lurks is probably the impetus I need to keep myself on the straight and narrow, making lifestyle choices that will benefit me and not hinder my healing. Do I worry that despite all this, I will still not heal? Yup. That thought is there, but I am trying to learn to acknowledge that fear and let it pass and then move back to the here and now. Despite a very severe death anxiety that I have had for my whole life...I think I have come a long way in processing this stuff in the last couple of months. I am not even close to being ok with it, but I can at least allow myself to acknowledge the fear...baby steps.
I have been devouring books on cancer and healing, complementary medicine, etc. and dabbling in the advice and guidance provided: nutrition, exercise, meditation, visualization, therapy, prayer, yoga, acupuncture, supplements, dry brushing, saunas, journaling, creativity, rebounding, therapeutic bubble baths. You name it. I will try it. If nothing else, it gives me a feeling of control over something and well...all of the above make me feel good...so why the heck not do them!?
I decided to stop dabbling and go full force into this "healing plan" starting tomorrow, December 1st. Operation Kill Cancer. My diet is pretty clean now, but it will be cleaner and I plan to get myself out exercising, meditating and yoga-ing everyday. In with the green tea, out with the coffee. Lots of turmeric. Lots and lots of green juice. Water. Chewing. Gratitude. Affirmations. If nothing else, I should be all glowy and peaceful. That can't be bad. Right?
Anyway...I will have a CT scan in the next couple of weeks to take a look at my insides and see if they are moving in the right direction. I hope I hope. Everyone's generous gifts and love and encouragement has certainly been a huge blessing and a very very humbling experience for me. Deep from the bottom of my heart, I hope that when I get through all this, I can pass this love and generosity on ten-fold to those who need it. It is truly what gets me through each day.
Love to you all!!