This is Not a Pretty Post

I am PMS-ing today. Moody, emotional, sensitive. But the truth is I almost always feel like this. I am sure there are plenty of things I could blame it on: the stress of moving, being unemployed, being a new stepmom. But, I blame it on prednisone. Prednisone is the bane of my existence.

According to the Mayo Clinic, high-dose prednisone use can cause elevated blood pressure (check), fatigue (check), mood swings (check), fluid retention (check), weight gain with fat deposits in your abdomen, face (moonface) and the back of your neck (camel hump) (check, check, and check), increased appetite (check), thin skin, easy bruising, deep purple stretch marks (check, check, check). Oh...and the sweat. I sweat like a marathoner...only I'm not running. I'm walking from the first floor to the second floor and my clothing and hair are drenched. On top of this, I am tapering off the drug (for the ump-teenth time) and with that comes its own set of "fun" side effects including: severe fatigue, weakness, body aches, nausea and vomiting. Good times. Add this to the above-mentioned life stressors and we have a recipe for one very depressed, weepy, (did I mention sweaty), and not-so-fun-to-be-around girl. 

Since starting prednisone in May of 2010, I have gained approximately 30 pounds. Some days I feel like this is mostly in my face, but my clothing size tells me that he rest of my body has also been very affected. I went from being a slightly overweight, but active fit girl, to being an obese girl who can barely manage the stairs. I am miserable, hate to look in the mirror and grapple with self-acceptance on a daily basis. Fatigue, sweating and heightened blood pressure/heart rate make it difficult to stick with much of a workout routine, though I try to do some mild form of exercise each day when I can muster it.

With exception of my husband, family and a few very close (and majorly patient and loving) friends, I suffer mostly in silence. I often feel the need to "warn" people who haven't seen me in a long time about the physical changes. I feel like I have to explain why I look like this. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I am surely my own worst enemy. Though it certainly doesn't help when acquaintances walk up to me and say "Why your face so fat?" or ask me if I am "expecting".  I take it with a grain of salt. I know that deep down, most people mean well. My stepdaughter told me recently, "I see that your face is bigger, but I just pretend it isn't. You should do that too." She makes a good point. 

I am writing this today really just to get it all out of my system. I know, realistically, that whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself won't change the fact that this is happening. It simply is what it is and really in the grand scheme of things I am still pretty damned lucky. Those who love me have loved me through this. Thank God. I am often amazed that my husband (of less than a year) hasn't thrown in the towel or kicked me to the curb for being so crabby, insecure and self-deprecating. Hopefully, I haven't pushed away any good friends for being so whiny and "me-oriented" this past year and a half.   

Tomorrow is my birthday. I really want tomorrow to be about hope. I write this today as a farewell to feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow, I will look in the mirror and try to see only awesomeness. I will try to love myself through this the way so many of my family and friends have. This is temporary and fleeting in the grand scheme of life.

Here is a pictorial timeline of what prednisone has done to me on the outside. (For some reason I can't figure out how to post them in any other fashion.) I hope that I can see past this reflection of myself and remember that the true me lies beneath and is really a force to be reckoned with. Sayonara self-pity.

September 2009--Before prednisone entered my life

My wedding day Aug 2010--4 months into prednisone

March 2011--11 months  into prednisone

 June 2011--13 months into prednisone