Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Lost and Searching

So...back in August, I wrote a blog post about feeling kind of "lost" and "disoriented" as I entered this new phase of adulthood...that phase being marriage, stepmotherhood and relocating for the benefit of my spouse's career and happiness and our family's financial stability. You know...life beyond just Vashni.

When I met my husband, I was 34, independent, knee-deep in forging a "career" in "something" (I have never been very good at knowing what I want), and fairly happy being single and able to live my life for me.  My husband knows all too well how difficult it was for me to let someone into my well-established me-oriented world, but he was ever so persistent at breaking down those walls that I had spent many a year building around my safe little haven of Vashni-hood. I recall at some point in our courtship realizing that for, perhaps, the first time in my life...I was in a relationship in which I could fully be myself. Vashni was still here and this man seemed to like her and I wasn't pretending to be someone else to win his love. I was me. And he liked me. Whoa. I guess that is when I knew...it was ok to let this thing unfold and let my life mesh with someone else's.

Then I got married. And I got very confused. I suddenly felt this "need" to be something or someone that I wasn't. I felt like I had to be this great wife, housekeeper, stepmother, domestic diva/goddess, etc. Granted this was my expectation of myself, not my husband's. I brought this identity crisis on all by lonesome...though, I suppose, there have been plenty of moments I have wanted to and probably have laid the blame on him. It's not his fault. It's my own doing. But, anyway...somewhere between "I do" and the present moment...I really lost my sense of self.

Then we moved. And even though we discussed this beforehand and I was on board and excited for change, I started to feel even more lost and confused and kind of...powerless (?). I left my job, which while I complained a great deal about said job...I really did find a lot of satisfaction in it. I was "going places" in the company. I was valued and appreciated. And now...I lost that on top of everything else I felt so lost and confused about.

There is a point to this whole schpeel, I promise. I was reading back in my journal from the days shortly after we moved. During the time when we had 3 of us in a 1-bedroom apartment to be exact. During the time when I was definitely not handling this change well at all. And in my journal I wrote "This is killing me! Soon there will be nothing of ME left." Wow. How prophetic of me. Ha. 

The nugget here that I am getting at...is that some part of me feels that my reaction to all this change...my sense of loss of The Vashni...somehow contributed to the actual dis-ease that has planted itself in my body. I know I cannot hold myself responsible for "getting cancer". That is silly. But, I keep reading about all these cancer survivors who also got cancer after going through major life change. Of course, not everyone going through major life change gets cancer, but seriously...there is a trend. There is some connection to the way we handle life's stressors that affects our body's ability to fight off these rogue cells. But, I am thinking...in that same manner...there has to be some connection in how I handle this diagnosis that will contribute to my healing and surviving. Yes..I lost my sense of self and my sacred personal power (how ironic that my tumor is in my sacral space) but perhaps finding myself again and my purpose and my Vashni-mojo will help me heal and bring me back to life. Back from the brink of "soon there will be nothing of ME left" to "here I am"!

And so...the quest begins...my new life purpose right now is to find Vashni again. We already know that Vashni is not her hair (LOL) and Vashni is not a domestic goddess (let's just be real and stop pretending). Vashni is a writer (I love to write and I thank you all for your positive affirmations about my writing). Vashni is a fighter. Vashni is good enough just the way she is and so are you, my friends. Don't ever let anyone (or yourself) make you feel any different!

One last thing I want to say today...just to be clear. My husband has been nothing but supportive. He is allowing me the space to heal and grow no matter how bizarre the approach I try. While there have been times that I have surely insinuated that this disappearance of the Vashni is all his fault, I truly know that it is not. We made these decisions together and in the best interest of our lives and futures. And in the same way that he didn't break me, he can't fix me. I am really glad though that he is here to be by my side while I work on fixing myself (along with doctors, therapists, alternative healers, besties and family, etc). Hopefully, when all this is over and I am feeling all whole again, our relationship will be stronger than ever. I know it will. It already is.

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