Monday, December 12, 2011

With Mixed Results Come Mixed Emotions

While my husband and I waited for the doctor this morning to come give us the results of my CT scan, I tried "quizzing" my husband for his reaction to the various result scenarios...There are no masses. The masses are the same. The masses are smaller. The masses are bigger...

What I don't think either one of us was prepared for was the scenario where some masses were smaller (resolved even!) and some masses were new and some were bigger (twice as big even...eeks). I think that both my husband and I had the same reaction to my doctor's news...one of a blank emotionless stare. What?! How can that be?! Aren't they all the same thing?!

I eventually broke the silence by asking the most obvious question...well, which is worse and which is better?

Turns out (at least from what I understand from his explanation and my copy of the radiology report) that the pelvic mass and the lymph nodes surrounding that area are smaller. Some lymph nodes that were previously inflamed may even be "resolved" per the report. I like this news. The notsogood news is that there is a new (albeit small) mass on my liver (now a total of 3) and the largest of the 3 has doubled in size (albeit...still small) and there appear to be some more lymph nodes in the upper regions of my body that are inflamed and weren't there before. 

It's really hard to know how to react to this news. I keep saying to myself "well, at least it's not ALL worse"! But, part of me feels so disappointed. So let down. Is my positivity all in vain? Do I just look like a fool acting like I know I am going to be fine, when maybe I am not? Part of me really believed that these "things" on my liver were not the cancer at all. Now the doctor is pretty sure that is exactly what they are...which means now...I have a "stage". I have stage IV metastatic cervical cancer. (In the words of a fellow stage IV cancer survivor: "Phew...what a relief...at least it's not stage V. Ha ha.)

The plan now is to change up the drugs in my chemotherapy cocktail. The new cocktail will include Cisplatin and Gemzar. I will learn more about these in my patient education session this afternoon...time to break out the Trapper Keeper again. Sigh. The drug that made me lose my hair is being dropped from the cocktail....are you kidding me?! LOL. I will have to go more often, but I have a feeling the infusion sessions will be shorter. We will do another 3 cycles and re-scan. 

*A little side story: After breaking the news to us, my doctor said he would like to examine me. He said something about removing clothes, handed me a paper gown and left the room. Both my husband and I were still in a bit of a daze. I stripped off my pants and shoes and hopped on the table, laying the gown across my lap. My husband says "were you supposed to undress"? To which I responded "Oh God...I think so. I think he said undress. Why would he give me a gown?  But, this thing has arm holes...why do I need armholes"? Doctor walks in and laughs..."yeah, you didn't do that right, but that's ok." I guess I was supposed to undress just the top, not just the bottom. Whatever. Oops. 

Anyway...I am still processing all this and I am still telling myself "at least it's not ALL worse". I may have suffered some setbacks in this battle,  but a) I didn't completely lose this battle and b) I most certainly haven't lost the war! So, let's shake up this cocktail and forge ahead!! Nurse Lynette...bring me another round!!

3 comments:

  1. Vashni, you are not a fool! Being strong and being positive will help push your body throug this! I am so proud of you!! You are courageously fighting this and have all the support you need!!!! CANCER SUCKS!!!! You can beat this! Love you!

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  2. (((Hugs))) You are such a strong fighter and I know you will beat this crappy cancer! I'm hoping your next scan reveals more positive news. Keeping up your positive attitude can only help :)

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  3. Vashni,
    I am a friend of Rachel Baston's. I am in Germany. She thougth it might be helpful for us to talk .... I have been dealing with stage IIB breast cancer for the past 10 years. Reading your story you sound like a funny person with a lot to live for. Rock on. I pray you are feeling well aside from the current chemo round. Cancer sucks but it sure teaches a lot. Equally the most frustrating and annoying thing along with the most truthful and teaching thing. A definate love/hate relationship.
    Please write to me if you want. You seem like a wonderful person.
    ~ Theresa Amblad
    tamblad@hotmail.com

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