Monday, March 19, 2012

Traumatized

When my husband asked me if I was going to blog about what I am about to blog about...I said "No way"! So, I can't believe I am about to blog about...uh...what I am about to blog about, but whatever. We're all friends here. Someone has got to talk about this stuff. Right? I already opened up about many intimate details of my life by the very act of keeping this blog, so what the heck...why not!? (She says with a little reservation...will I come to regret this later?)

Now that I have completely piqued your interest (I hope I don't disappoint you). Ha.

So...last I posted, I was going to be working to stay on a narcotic schedule. I did. For like 2 1/2 days. I was totally gung-ho about this too (despite some of your warnings to step away from the narcotics)...it's the way I like to get behind a new plan if I think it's going to make my life better. I started off right away with the highest dosage and the shortest increments of time. And, I did feel better. No pain. Strange happy loopy feeling. Good times.  Why did I wait so long?

Oh yeah. Cause...as I was taking these happy loopy pills...I could literally feel them sucking all the fluids out of my body. I was drinking tons of water. Taking laxatives. But, within 24 hours of starting the new "regimen" I was in the middle of an all out intestinal crisis. Blockage. Major bowel congestion. A traffic accident in my lower abdomen. 

I have always been one of those people who visits the loo multiple times a day. I like to keep things...um...moving. So, even one day of...err...blockage, is like having my foot stuck on the track when a train is coming. I was miserable. Desperate. In pain. MORE pain. Damn you, percoset. All I wanted to do was poo.

I continued the laxatives, but stopped the narcotics. On Saturday morning, my husband left the house for about an hour. I decide that during this time, I will "try" to go. (Nothing good ever happens when I am home alone on a weekend). So ANYWAY, while he is gone, I have what I am now referring to as the "Near-Death Straining Incident".

I tried. And, by tried, I mean I was in full-out labor trying to birth a 16-pound baby turd. I could feel it crowning, but it wasn't about to leave the confines of my warm cozy colon. Then. It started. I started to feel very nauseous. I started to sweat profusely. And, I started to feel faint. I, for sure, thought I was dying. And because I didn't want my husband to find me dead on the toilet with my pants around my ankles, I did what any young wife would do. I somehow managed to get up, flush, get my pants up, grab my glass of water and my iphone (priorities here, people), and stumble to my bed. Where I continued to lay in a state of near unconsciousness praying...literally BEGGING...to God "Please not now. Please, I am not ready to go." I legit thought I was a goner.

Obviously, I didn't die. I, in fact, lived to tell this gruesome story. 

*Side note: while I was still laying in bed recovering from my Near-Death Straining Incident, I could hear my husband come home. I could hear him go to the kitchen and get himself something to eat and drink. Then I could hear him sit down on the recliner and turn on the TV. All I could think was....how many hours would it take him to discover my body if I hadn't survived my Near-Death Straining Incident?? Sheesh. Men. 

Anyway...since The Incident, I have been in a fair amount of additional pain from the trauma I seemed to have caused my intestinal tract. Still pretty miserable. Difficulty getting comfortable enough to sleep. When my husband noticed me doing weird calisthenics in the bed (and momentarily on the floor) at 6 am this morning, he asked "How long have you been doing this?"...My response: "Oh...only a couple of hours. Why? Do you think this is weird?" Ha. 

Anyway...at the doc today they prescribed to me, what my nurse practitioner referred to as a "super laxative". I took it at noon and now I wait. I am hoping for a religious experience (though not a near-death one). As I was leaving the office, after my treatment today, my nurse practitioner said..."hopefully, that'll get you moving". Oh please. I hope so!

Ah...the trials and tribulations. Sigh.

Thanks for letting me share. May you all have a beautiful bowel movement in my honor today.

4 comments:

  1. The nurses "forgot" to give me the stool softeners when I had my amp. Heavy narcotics for 4 days and... Well... Let's just say i feel your pain.

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  2. Colace C is a good choice in conjunction with narcotics... and frosted mini wheats too. Seriously, we told our patients to snack on them... Hope you are feeling better soon

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  3. I had the same experience when I had a kidney stone. I also feel your pain. So, as it turns out, you are in good company.

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