I have been feeling rather uninspired...blog-wise...lately. I guess I don't have a lot to say, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Things this month, or shall we say in 2012, have been a little out of routine thus far, and while I am grateful, happy and appreciative of all the visitors and help I have had these past 3 weeks in my life, I am glad to be back in a little bit more of my own routine (IF you can even call what I do on a daily basis a "routine"...ha ha, but I am working on this).
One thing that I have been trying to do this month, even in the midst of minor surgery, chemo, transfusions, travel, guests, etc. is to do some sort of daily devotional. A moment each day (usually in bed at night) where I read a devotional and think about what it means in my life. Journal about it. Or just meditate on it. I chose (at first) for some reason Rick Warren's daily devotionals for a Purpose-Driven Life. For those of you who don't know...Rick Warren is the leader of an evangelical megachurch and in all honesty, is probably a little over-the-top religious for my taste, but I had read portions of his book in the early 2000's and thought I would give his devotionals a shot.
Here is where the "at first" remark comes in. Turns out that I can't relate right now. Or my goals are a little different. His devotionals were all about acknowledging where you are, where you want to be, what you want to have in 10 years and the step-by-step plan you need to develop to get there....and all I could think was..."in 10 years, I want to be ALIVE". I can't think about career goals or certain life goals right now. All I want right now is to survive this. To be healthy and cancer-free. I want to make it to 2013 and beyond, much less 2022. There is no step-by-step plan for overcoming cancer. I can think about what I can do right now to make my life full and to make my chances better, but 10 years from now? I don't know if I have that much time...(and that took A LOT for me to say out loud...ugh). But, really, when I think about it...none of us do. None of us know when our number will be up. (Ugh...I still hate to think about any of this at all)!
So, anyway...the conundrum I came upon while trying to do these daily devotionals is not something new for me. I have always struggled with the "how do I live in the present, enjoy it, AND plan for the future"? How does one find the balance? Now, this age-old quandary feels even more significant to me.
My goal for tomorrow and for 10 years from now is to be a healthy, vibrant, active, fit, productive, successful and CANCER-FREE babe who is an inspiring and FUNNY writer, who manages life from a place of inner peace and who maintains a happy healthy marriage and lots of supportive and positive friendships. Some of these I do have now, some I can work towards. But, cancer-free...that I have no control over. And that is what is really hard for me. All I can do is do my best and have faith. (But, I sure do wish there was a step-by-step and proven-effective instructional manual for surviving cancer)!!
Anyway, for those wondering, my blood transfusion last Friday put me over the moon! I didn't feel it til Saturday. I even cried Friday night cause I was so upset that I still felt so bad. And even though I felt better Saturday, I think it took me til Monday to realize how good I actually felt. I can take the stairs over and over. I can go for walks. I can clean and cook and just be a human being. It's awesome. Juicy blood and platelets are my friend.
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