I have been trying to open my eyes to the messages of the universe more lately. The things that cross my path that don't seem to just be "coincidence". Like how right before this cancer diagnosis, my husband and I moved to an area much closer to my family and childhood friends. An area where there is great medical care. Like how we found a house within 2 miles of an old college friend. And how my husband landed a job that pays enough that I can remain unemployed and focus on my health without worrying too much about finances. A job with good health insurance. Like how one of my childhood friends married into a family and circle of friends who has become pivotal in my emotional support. These things can't be just coincidence. I guess they could be...but I choose not to see it that way. I wonder how far back it goes...this way the universe has unfolded to meet so many of my basic needs as I face this battle. Without my husband, without my family nearby, without financial stability...this would be a whole different struggle.
Why the universe handed me cancer...that is still a mystery to me. Some people say that cancer is a gift (not that you would want to give it to anyone else). That it opens you up to life and fully living. That it gives you a wake up call to get it together before it's too late. I'm not there yet. I still have days when I say "why me". I still wonder what I have done wrong to be given this illness. What kind of karmic joke is this? Did I not get the message in 2008 with my first diagnosis, so now the universe needs to kick me harder? (Actually, that's possible...I really didn't get the message back then. I never questioned my chance of survival back then. I never wondered about the deeper meaning of my life. I just dealt with it and continued on my merry way.) Now...it's hard to escape it. I have to face whatever it is that the universe is trying to tell me.
I don't know why I have been dealt this card, but when it comes down to it, I am grateful that I drew this card and not my loved ones...though I don't know which would be harder...being the one fighting the battle or being the one watching someone I love fight the battle. Either way it's a crap-shoot.
There are things I struggle with daily now that I never did before. For one, I fear that if I accept that I could die from this...that I am inviting it to happen. I worry that if I try to deal with the fact that the cancer could spread more, I am somehow visualizing it into being. Every ache and pain is an invitation to question how many days I have left. It's impossible not to have doubts. It's impossible to stay positive and upbeat all the time. Impossible. Yet, when I let the doubt creep in, I tend to beat myself up about it. Where's my faith? Where's my optimism? How do I accept all outcomes without giving up the one I hope for? This sucks!
Anyway...I digress. Two weekends ago when we were visiting my brother-in-law and his family, we went to church. And a book was passed around for a women's book club/study group. And, I held it and read it's cover...One Thousand Gifts ~ A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. I decided that the book didn't cross my path by chance, but rather for a reason. I bought it. So did my lovely sister-in-law. And we both have been reading it and studying it and enjoying it. Of course, she read it in like one evening and I am still making my way through. But, I am enjoying "reading it together". Ann Voscamp, on a dare, starts a list of 1,000 things that make her happy. One thousand! One thousand things that bring her joy. Simple things. And in writing this list, she realizes how happy this list makes her. How counting her daily blessings makes her daily annoyances diminish and her blessing multiple. How naming these gifts in her life gives them more power to help her live more fully and pay attention to all the good things we often miss. God is in the details.
I wrote this whole post and babbled on and on just to get to this one point: I want to make my own list.
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