Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Tick, tock, tick, tock....

It's been a little more than 3 weeks since I last blogged. Ack! I suppose I have had a little bit of a blogging dry spell. A mental vacation, if you will. On blog hiatus. Something like that. Anyway, thanks to the friends who have checked in on me and made sure I was still alive and kicking (I am) and for those who said they missed me (I miss you too)!

So, what's been happening? Eh. Not really anything to write home about, hence the dry spell, I guess. The two weeks following my first week of chemo were pretty much consumed with step-parenthood.  This is not to say that I was "parenting" 24/7, because I wasn't, but somehow these 2 weeks got away from me. And quickly. Having a kid in the house will do that. I know this because most of my friends are parents and they disappear from time to time and I totally get it. 

I was all gungho about "finding the balance" between being a good stepmom and taking care of myself. How did I do? Fail. Seriously...how do all you mothers and fathers do it!? Mind you, my stepdaughter is in camp during the day, so it wasn't like I was busy all day with her. I was still just with myself. Undoubtedly, there was more laundry, more cleaning, more groceries to buy, more food to cook. But, still...why couldn't I find time to rest and heal? In the evenings, we did family stuff. I wasn't forced to. I wanted to. But, at the end of two weeks, I was pretty tired and I relented to do better the rest of the summer. She is back with her mom right now (for a total of 2 weeks) and will be with us for 6 weeks straight once she returns. I must learn to allow myself to rest and not feel guilty while she is here. I MUST! I think I worry that if I go rest, it will seem like I am isolating myself and that she won't feel loved by me. Sigh. It's hard being so sensitive. LOL.

Last week was the first week of cycle 2, which means that I was at NIH everyday for treatment. It was a rough week. I started off with some pain on Monday and due to the holiday week and the area-wide power  outages, NIH was operating on limited staff. My own protocol team wasn't there on Monday to write up my orders for the week of chemo! So, it was a slow and painful start. 

When I finally DID start the chemo on Monday, I ended up having an allergic reaction to it. What?! I know. I said the same thing. Apparently, my body is building up antibodies to the drugs in the IV. After about 5 minutes of infusing, I started to feel tightness in my chest, have difficulty breathing, and my face and lips felt tingly and like they were swelling. I wasn't sure if it was all in my head, but thankfully I decided to hit that call button on the remote that I usually only use for the TV volume. Ha. I slowly said "My face feels funny" and as I was saying it, I saw a nurse rushing toward me. Apparently, my face also LOOKED funny. She hurriedly stopped the infusion and hooked me up to some monitors as my own nurse came running to assist. All was fine within a few minutes, but they now have to give me some stronger benadryl, some added pre-meds and run my drip slower. 

So far...its been fine since the "incident" on Monday, but the extra pre-meds make for a very sleepy Vashni. Monday through Friday, my schedule looked something like this: Get up and go to NIH. Get treatment. Go home. Go to bed. Repeat. I was so wiped out that the week was a complete and total loss. I even slept DURING treatment. So, yeah...not much blogging can be done while I am unconscious and drooling.

By Friday, I was feeling really depressed. If this medicine is working, I will be thrilled. But, at the same time, being out of commission for one week (plus some) out of every three weeks kinda sorta sucks. Saturday through Monday, I was still feeling exhausted....kind of like....lethargic. And not just my body, which I would hoist around from bed to couch to hammock to chair, just being miserable, but my brain also felt lethargic. Like...deep thought took way too much energy. I found myself, often, sitting in our living room staring into space, listening to the clocks (we have many) tick tock the time away. Is this what it is like to be in the brain of a man when he is at rest? Interesting. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock....hear that? That's my life....passing by. 

Anyway, each day since Monday has brought a little more energy into my body and brain. I will probably be fully functional just in time to start this process over again. It's like Groundhog Day, but way less amusing. 

That being said...the deeper parts of my brain are slowly starting to awaken again, so hopefully I can produce some meaningful and humourous blogs in the very near future.  Until then, thanks for being patient with my man-brain! Love you all!!!

Vashni

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