Sooo...I have a CT scan on Monday morning. I can't decide if I feel anxious or not. I don't seem to be anxious, but is it because I am not anxious or is it because I am floating along on some sort of denial cloud right now? Ha ha. And, either way...is it going to hit me like a whip in a couple of days when it's really happening?
Part of me thinks...well, maybe I have finally really gotten this whole "worry is useless" thing down. And then, I pause for a moment, and proceed to laugh my arse off. Seriously, I try...but that's just never going to fully happen. It's too far ingrained in my bloodline and my psyche. Not worry. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Sigh.
And then I think....well, maybe I am just used to and getting comfortable with the disappointment. Like...how many times now have I heard "It's not working. We need to try something else"? Maybe I am numb to those words. But, nah. Perhaps there is some small truth to that, but overall...that's just completely counter-intuitive to my hopeful nature. It can't be that. Can it?
Perhaps...I just have a good feeling about this trial. But...to be completely honest...I don't. I don't know if that is because I have "felt good" about things in the past and been wrong or if I really just genuinely don't feel good about this one. I don't know. I want to. But, it's not there for me.
Maybe I am just too exhausted with this process to think so much about it at this point. Although, if that were true, would I be typing this post right now? LOL.
Anyway...I have a CT scan on Monday morning. And I really don't know how to feel about it. Happy healing thoughts are always appreciated. If the scan shows that the tumors are smaller, stable, or have grown within less than 20% of the total size at my initial scan prior to cycle 1 (although this actually sounds like a lot of growth to me at this point), then we will continue chemotherapy next week. Otherwise, it will be time again to search for something else. I will, at that point, have about 2 weeks to clear my system of this drug before starting another trial. Or, I think, if I wanted to go back and try something with my regular oncologist (and battle things out with the insurance company for coverage), I could start that sooner.
That's all for now, folks. On the "cancer" front, that is. Happy Friday and weekend. Be safe. Stay away from the news. And have a good one!
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