Friday, August 31, 2012

Live, Laugh, Love...and everything in between

My Love Box quote today is: "A good laugh is sunshine in a house."~~William Makepeace Thackeray

Thank you Mr. Thackeray, whomever you are, and thank you to whomever added this quote to my lovely, awesome Love Box. It's something I needed to hear.

The thing is...having stage IV cancer and knowing that right now, this second, things are probably growing inside me and not knowing if this next treatment will work either (if I ever actually start it)...well, it's all pretty serious scary stuff. And I realized as of late, with all this waiting and all this frustration and disappointment...I lost my sense of humor. And that really sucks because I kinda like my sense of humor and laughter is just so necessary for life and happiness and release. Ever laugh so hard that you felt like you just had a full body workout? Or laughed so hard you peed yourself? I once laughed so hard, I spit my drink out all over the table. I am a classy act like that.

This week has offered some fresh new humor in my life (including my new love of Honey Boo Boo...anybody else been watching this?). I've been laughing this week. Oh, I have been crying too, but at least the light is creeping into my darkness. Maybe something clicked inside of me and reminded me that life is funny. It's not all drama. It's full of comedy too, if you look for it. It's not all somber, grim, laced-up seriousness. And I need to lighten up. Big time. I I want to spend my days being serious and scared or do I want to spend my days finding the good and the funny and the light-heartedness of life? know the answer.

So, if you recall from my last blog...I decided to go with the disatinib/bevacizumab study, which was the second of the two that I was originally trying to decide between. But, for some reason things keep getting delayed. Originally, I felt like things happened as they did for a reason and that this was meant to be...and now there are all these delays and I am wondering "Is it a sign?" "Is it a test?" Hmph.

Anyway, the latest delay really makes me laugh. Yesterday, I went in to sign the paper work, but first I had to give them 11 vials of my blood and a cup full of urine. And wait. And wait some more. Finally, they call me back to one of the exam rooms and they tell me that one of the blood test results came back that could be an exclusion. I'm thinking my hemoglobin level or my white blood cells or platelets...or my liver function. Anything other than what came out of my doctor's mouth. Something that made sense. Nope. There is apparently a blood test for pregnancy...and mine came back positive. Bwahahahahahaha. Bwahahahahaha. might not think that is funny...I have a husband, we're practically newlyweds. We have privacy and time. But, trust me when I say...there is no chance that I am pregnant. Zero. First, I have been "menopausal" since February. Second, the location of my cancer makes it really difficult and painful for me to do baby-making stuff. And with all the drugs I am taking, I don't even know if I'd really want to anyway! In fact, neither my husband or I can even remember the last time we even tried to engage in baby-making behavior. I feel terrible. I am the worst wife ever. But, my hubs knows that if he forced the issue he would be like the worst husband in the world...times a million. I am so sorry honey. That being said, when I called to tell my husband, he laughed too and mentioned something about planning the visit from the three wisemen to bring me gifts. Seriously...of all things? A positive pregnancy test??!! Bwahahahaha. And not to mention, if I were pregnant, could you imagine the alien baby inside of me. With all the cancer drugs and painkillers and radiation from scans and x-rays, etc. I keep picturing something like this: I had to do a repeat blood test yesterday and it still came up positive. (I also did a urine test...not pregnant per my pee.) I have to go back on Tuesday for another repeat blood test. If it still comes up positive in my blood, I will have to have an ultrasound to prove there isn't a baby in there. Seriously? All this drama so I can start this trial??

My best girlfriends and I have been going to town on this alien baby theme (or alternately the immaculate conception theme). Why not? It's provided hours and hours of fodder and entertainment for our demented brains. Ahhhh. Good times.

Anyway...with all this lack of treatment and growing tumors and such, I've been having increasing pain. And, as I've mentioned before, the docs and I have been struggling to get me the right balance of being pain-free or mostly pain-free with being conscious or not comatose. It's not working. I've become a full on narcoleptic. I am mostly ok if I am moving about or interacting with someone in person, but the second I sit down to read or play on my iphone or watch TV or sit in a waiting room, I become a head-bobbing fool.  And I HATE it. HATE it. It's like a loss of some control of my own self. My brain gets confused sometimes. I don't even realize I've fallen asleep until something wakes me up. If you receive a strange text message from me...I'm probably in head-bobbing mode. I have 'liked' Facebook pages while in this mode, sent friend requests, and even on occasion I have commented garbled nothings on someone's Facebook status. Likewise, I have sent accidental tweets. Yesterday, in the NIH waiting room, I woke myself up when I dropped an entire open bottle of soda on myself and all over my purse, the floor and the chair. Ok, I salvaged half the bottle, but seriously, who does that? Apparently, narcoleptic Vash does. 

My husband took this picture of me the other night and I can't believe I am sharing it since I was mortified at the idea of him posting it on Facebook...but it IS kind of funny and does kind of capture what about 50% of my life looks like right now. is what happens when I try to read:

Seriously, I'm just reading and I fall over? Pathetic....yet hysterical in its own special way. Obviously, this provides plenty of entertainment for my husband. He's probably got a collection going somewhere. 

Ok...well, believe it or not I am starting to reach that wakefulness threshold and I want to send this before I start my narcoleptic head-nodding. Thanks once again for reading this post and for being my greatest supporters. 

My challenge for you this Labor Day weekend, is to go out in the world and find the things that make you laugh out loud (without hurting another's feelings). Look at your life and each day of this grand holiday weekend  and search for what is good and humorous and makes you smile and laugh. Release that which makes you sad or angry. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.

Love, Vashni

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