Friday, June 8, 2012

Tenacious V

Last night, I went to my support group. I hadn't been going and apparently I needed to because I opened up some internal floodgates on my poor group. Boo hoo-ing. Sigh. It was kind of...cathartic. I feel better today.

During the meeting, the word "tenacity" kept coming up. Like the "word of the night". I'd been worried about not being optimistic enough, not being positive enough, not having enough hope and thinking that having negative, pessimistic feelings (even in very short passing intervals) would somehow prove to be a self-fulfilling prophecy and render me...well...a goner. I was reminded by the group that this is called "magical thinking". That just because I think I will be ok, doesn't mean I will be and just because I think this disease could kill me, doesn't mean it will. While I do believe whole-heartedly in the mind-body connection and I think that practicing positive visualizations and meditations can only benefit me, I have to remember that I can't really just cure myself by wishing hard enough and thinking only positive thoughts all the time. Likewise, a negative thought here and there isn't going to suddenly bring the anvil down on my life. 

What one member said to me...was that...you don't have to be positive all the time, but you do have to be TENACIOUS. I decided to look this word up today...just to be sure. If I am going to be tenacious, I want to make sure that I doing it right! 
te·na·cious/təˈnāSHəs
Adjective:
 1. Not readily letting go of, giving up, or separated from an object that one holds, a position, or a principle: "a tenacious grip".
2. Not easily dispelled or discouraged; persisting in existence or in a course of action: "a tenacious legend".
Some synonyms of tenacious: stubborn, obstinate, resolute, persistent, insistent, dogged, and determined.

Yes, yes and yes. I want to be all of those things. I am not giving up. I am not letting go of hope. I will stubbornly, doggedly, determinedly hold a tenacious grip on my life.

So, I picked a trial. Not everyone agrees with me, but I followed my heart. I made the decision for myself despite the naysayers, which is actually a pretty big deal, in and of itself, for me. Go me, Tenacious V!!

Next week, I will start the Ixempra (ixabepilone) trial. There are a number of reasons that I decided to try this one first, but I will spare you my rationalizations. Starting Monday, June 11th, I will be getting 5 days of infusions of ixabepilone. This drug is FDA-approved as a 2nd-line therapy for breast cancer, which means if the first drug used on a breast cancer patient doesn't work, then this is the next drug the doctor would try. This drug is similar to the drug Taxol, and has been found to work on patients who didn't respond well to Taxol (me). This is a Phase II study, which means that they have already tested it on a small group of people to determine a safe dosage level. Now they are testing it on a larger group of patients with cervical cancer to further evaluate its safety and effectiveness. 

From the Phase I and Phase II studies up to this point, they have found that 15% of patients have experienced tumor shrinkage. Not a huge number, but it's worth a shot. I am hoping to fall into that 15% range. This is a "safe" choice for me. It is similar to what I have already experienced and it will spare me major bodily trauma. My first follow-up scan will be 6 weeks in and if we find at that time that it isn't working, I will move onto the next trial. 

I did have a baseline CT scan this past Wednesday and while my pelvic mass(es) have remained the same size, my liver tumor has grown another centimeter. It is now up to 7cm. I have to keep reminding myself that it is centimeters and not inches. Kind of a big difference. Still, it's getting pretty big as far as liver tumors are concerned and I am not happy about that at all. I am starting to think I need to name that sucker so I know who I am working on killing. 

Anyway...having recently witnessed the power of pray in a friend's life, I would like to ask for prayers, prayers and more prayers...especially next week during the times the medicine is gushing into my body and heading for those cancer cells. I don't have my full schedule for the week yet, but I would especially appreciate prayers between noon and 3pm on Monday...I will be infused at some point during that time. If you aren't a praying person, but do believe in sending healing thoughts or energy or positive vibes, please do so. Light a candle, have a prayer circle, lift me up. (Gosh, I know this sounds so selfish...but I am just trying to rally the troops!) I know I am already on a lot of prayer lists at a lot of churches, and I super appreciate that. If I am not on your church's prayer list, please consider adding my name. You hereby have my permission. Besides being tenacious, I want to rally God's, the Universe's, the Divine's help in healing. Please pray with tenacity! I promise to return the favor to you whenever you need it!

Love to you all, Vashni 
(aka Tenacious V (ha!))



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