Out with the glum. In with the fun. Yeah.

Today marks Day 7 of Operation: Kill Cancer. A whole week. I can't say I have been perfect at it. In fact, I haven't done yoga once. And I did eat a DC cupcake. I mean...who can say no to that? There's more, but why focus on my failures. I figure I aim for 95% and hit around 90% and that is better than I was doing. My insides are thanking me. Of course, my outsides are still showing the results of my new prednisone regimen, so I won't even go there. Bah. But, I am feeling pretty good about all the endeavors I have undertaken this past week. Aside from some emotional outbursts/meltdowns here and there, restlessness and lack of motivation, and one middle of the night panic attack about death, all's well.

Today, I did a juice cleanse. All green juice. All day. With some water and tea on the side. And well...many many trips to the loo. Let's just say I am juicy and well-hydrated. I think I am gonna have to switch to some soups this evening. More tea. And then...banana cream-flavored barium! Yum. Not. 

Tomorrow is my CT scan. I am not really nervous about tomorrow. I drink my sodium bicarbonate. I lay on a bed for 10 to 20 minutes. I visualize my healthy non-inflamed cancer-free insides being photographed. I go home. Then I find a gadzillion ways to enjoy the end of the week and the weekend and not fret about what the report says until I see it for myself at 8:15am Monday morning. Yeah...that is EXACTLY how all this is gonna go. 

I am now reading a book on Chakras. I think I am gonna take some time during the next 7 days to focus on one chakra per day. There are 7 "bodily" (my word) chakras and then a whole bunch more that are outside the body but still considered part of our energy system.  It's interesting stuff and after trying one of her meditations, I really did feel more...uhh...open and flowy and balanced.  Ahhhhhhh.

I am also going to be trying out some Qigong. I am excited to learn more and see what this type of practice can do for me. I have always been interested in different holistic/energetic approaches to health...specifically ancient practices that people have thrived on for centuries upon centuries...and even though I wish I didn't have such a serious "reason" to embark on this path...am happy to have the opportunity.

I will be sure to report back all the zen-inspiring, life-enhancing details and hopefully my own humorous take on how it all goes down cause in the end...I still want to have fun while doing this. Out with the glum, in with the fun. Yeah.

My Body is a Wonderland

I started reading a new book this morning. This one is about cell-level healing. It's about how amazing our bodies are with their millions of cells and how we as humans can somehow connect spiritually with our bodies at their deepest most scientific level and heal. The body is the temple to the spirit. And stuff. Blah blah blah.

Anyway...while reading, the author asked me to stop and appreciate my body. Acknowledge it's power. Be amazed by all the things it does to keep me alive without me even knowing. So, I did. Then she asked me to stop and list 4 things that I appreciate about my body. So, I did. Here they are:

1. I appreciate the way my body moves. Walking, skipping, jogging, dancing, jumping...it gets me up and down the stairs a gadzillion times a day. Around the lake. Up a mountain. Across the pool Through the grocery store. It gets me to the refrigerator and lets me chop veggies at the counter. It gets me to the bed for a restful night of sleep. There are plenty of people in this world who don't have this simple gift of movement that I take for granted everyday. Thank you, body!
2. I appreciate the way my brain processes my thoughts and lets me express them. Chatting with friends. Nagging my husband. Journaling. Writing this blog. Just sitting and contemplating. Telling my loved ones I love them. Pen to paper. Finger to keyboard. It's amazing how I can think (period) and how those thoughts find their way into my world. Thank you, brain!
3. I appreciate the way my body digests and processes the things I put into it. It filters out the bad stuff and absorbs all the good. When I think about all the filtering my body had to do in its younger years....beer, wine, vodka, the occasional cig, burgers, fries, sugar...it's truly amazing the work it's done for me! And, now...all the medicines going in...my cells having to try and discern what to use and what to throw out. My liver. My kidneys. My lymphatic system. My skin. Thank you, filtering fellas!
4. I appreciate the way my lungs breathe and my heart beats without my ever having to think about it. All those little (but huge live-saving) processes that go on even when our minds are occupied with everything else. My breath. My heartbeat. All proof that I woke up alive today. Thank you, organs!

After I finished this little exercise...I realized that the true things that I appreciate about my body...to my amazement...have nothing to do with what size pants I am wearing these days or how I look in the latest style of jeans or what I see when I look at my bald head in the mirror.  This, in itself, is a big change for me, I think. Yes, I am a woman, therefore, I still beat myself up about my thighs and my belly and my lack of physical fitness. But, really...when it comes down to it...I appreciate the fact that I can walk around the block (even if I sound like a broken lawn mower walking up the hill) and that my thighs can get me up and down those stairs at home, even if I can't put on my favorite jeans from last winter, and that mah belly gurgles with lovingly-prepared food, even if I almost always wish it protruded a little less fully from my body. I should BE so lucky.

Conversations with My Husband

Him: You smell like olives.

Me: Really? Like pickles?

Him: No, like olives.

Me: What exactly do olives smell like?

Him: I don't know.

How can I smell like something he doesn't know the smell of?

Conversation continued after he read the above:

Him: Hmph. I know what olives smell like. I just can't explain it.

Me: The only olives I can think of smell like pickles.

Him: No. They don't smell like pickles.

Me: Do they smell good or bad?

Him: I don't know. Hmph. You should be making fun of yourself for not knowing what olives smell like.

Deep sigh.

Him: The wreath shed pine needles all over the front entrance.

Me: Yup. 

Him: We should clean that up.

Me: Yup. Why don't you bring the vacuum downstairs with you?

Him: I didn't know the vacuum was upstairs.

Me: Do you even know where the vacuum "lives"?

Him: Of course.

Me: Where?

Him: In the closet?

Me: Which closet?

Him: The hall closet?

Me: Nope.

Him: Hmm. Then I don't know where the vacuum "lives".

How long have we lived in this house? Sigh.

I Need a New "C"attitude!

Today was Day 1 of Operation: Kill Cancer. I am reluctant to use that phrase because there is nothing calm and peaceful and loving about the word "kill" (or "cancer" for that matter). But, it is what came out when I was typing the other day, so we'll stick with it for now.

Midway through Day 1, I noticed that I started off my day sort of going through the motions of my new "daily to do". Warm lemon water. Check. Neti pot. Check. Walk with dog, green juice, supplements, check, check, check. Crossing them off and not really paying much attention to what I was doing or how I was feeling. I realized, at some point, that this is totally counter-productive to the slowing down and being present and paying attention that I was aiming for. Ha ha. So, after I breezed through a swim and a follow-up pass through the sauna...I came home to get a little more focused.

*Side note: This was my first time to the pool with the bald head. I wore a swim cap...which is decidedly uncomfortable with no hair. LOL. It sucked to my scalp like a vacuum. Also, since my latest eye adventure, I can't see without my glasses. This is a very new thing for me. Just walking around at the pool "guessing" at what I was looking at. On the other hand, when I did decide to take the swim cap off (I think un-breathable latex on the head is a bad idea in a sauna), I was unable to discern any reactions from people's faces. I am not sure if this was a good or bad thing for me. Ha ha. Meh.

Anyway...when I got home, I decided it was time to sit down and get real with myself. Try some stillness, inner sanctity, find my Buddha nature what-have-you. Something like that. I am still on a learning curve here. But, I sat my arse down, wrapped myself in my new blanket and lit a candle. And then...I watched the cat.

I think that the cat has this stuff figured out. Seriously. He was mesmerized by the candle flame. He stared at it intently for at least 5 minutes. He was smiling. Just totally happy and content. He didn't appear to be thinking about the laundry that needed to be done or worrying about whether or not his heart would keep beating throughout day. He wasn't wondering if he was good enough. If he loved enough. If he was loved enough. If he gave enough at the office Christmas charity or was too selfish at the Thanksgiving table. He just was there. In it. Happy. He seems to know how to live fully every moment of his day. And not feel guilty about it! Imagine!

So...I started thinking..."How can I be more like this cat?" Of course, life's expectations of a cat are pretty low-key. We expect them to nap throughout the day and play with Christmas ornaments and bask in the sunshine without a care in the world. (To the orange cat's credit...I think this cat WOULD clean if he knew how. He always seems very interested in helping. I think he might read too, if he could, as he likes to lay on top of my books and magazines and I think I have seen him attempt to use a pen. For real. Seriously.) 

With the holidays approaching (who am I kidding...they're here), I am gonna try to be a little more like the cat. I am going to take some time to bask in the sunshine patch and stare mesmerized at the Christmas ornaments and not feel guilty for taking some carefree time to do so. (Note: Just typing this invokes guilt...we have a long way to go to being cat-like!) But, I am going to TRY...TRY to be a little more IN IT and HAPPY and CONTENT and a little less frazzled and "guilty" and stressed. I know. Easier said than done people...easier said than done. 

Here's my little holiday bucket list of things to bask in:

• Take time to stare at the Christmas lights
• Blast Christmas music throughout the house and get my Christmas dance on (maybe rip up some wrapping paper and ribbon a la Sid the Cat)
• Send out blessings to my friends and family, near and far
• Get into the giving-ness of the season and let myself get carried away
• Zipline and tube while in Jamaica (that's right...I'm going to Jamaica this month) Sid can't do that! Sorry, lil buddy!
• Knead and hug and rub and love on all my soft fluffy loved-filled cancer-killing gifts...blankets, quilts, prayer shawls, fluffy socks....snuggles....

Halfway There

So...Monday's chemotherapy marked my halfway point for treatment. Yay!! Since the whole thing has been pretty tolerable, it doesn't necessarily feel like a victory or that big of a deal, but I suppose it should be. My blood counts have remained stellar and my pain has been gone since the first treatment. I count myself as very lucky for all of this. Is there fear lurking beneath? Hell yes. But, my optimism reigns. And the fear that lurks is probably the impetus I need to keep myself on the straight and narrow, making lifestyle choices that will benefit me and not hinder my healing. Do I worry that despite all this, I will still not heal? Yup. That thought is there, but I am trying to learn to acknowledge that fear and let it pass and then move back to the here and now. Despite a very severe death anxiety that I have had for my whole life...I think I have come a long way in processing this stuff in the last couple of months. I am not even close to being ok with it, but I can at least allow myself to acknowledge the fear...baby steps.

I have been devouring books on cancer and healing, complementary medicine, etc. and dabbling in the advice and guidance provided: nutrition, exercise, meditation, visualization, therapy, prayer, yoga, acupuncture, supplements, dry brushing, saunas, journaling, creativity, rebounding, therapeutic bubble baths. You name it. I will try it. If nothing else, it gives me a feeling of control over something and well...all of the above make me feel good...so why the heck not do them!?

I decided to stop dabbling and go full force into this "healing plan" starting tomorrow, December 1st. Operation Kill Cancer. My diet is pretty clean now, but it will be cleaner and I plan to get myself out exercising, meditating and yoga-ing everyday. In with the green tea, out with the coffee. Lots of turmeric. Lots and lots of green juice. Water. Chewing. Gratitude. Affirmations. If nothing else, I should be all glowy and peaceful. That can't be bad. Right?

Anyway...I will have a CT scan in the next couple of weeks to take a look at my insides and see if they are moving in the right direction. I hope I hope. Everyone's generous gifts and love and encouragement has certainly been a huge blessing and a very very humbling experience for me. Deep from the bottom of my heart, I hope that when I get through all this, I can pass this love and generosity on ten-fold to those who need it. It is truly what gets me through each day. 

Love to you all!!

Code-Red Estrogen Level

Well, yesterday ended the Thanksgiving break visit with my stepdaughter. I would say that on a scale of 1-100, it was at about a 97.75. Pretty successful visit overall. My stepdaughter is growing up so fast! I swear she grows by feet each time I see her and she is becoming such a sweet young lady. But, there is one thing that hit me hard this visit...

The visit did not start out very well. I mean aside from my internal rage at the traffic and being stuck in the car for like 37 bazillion hours, the transition into our home again was a little rough. 

It was late, it had been a long day, she was sleepy and all she wanted........was her Mom. Despite all of our decidedly wonderful and virtuous qualities, neither my husband nor I fit the "Mommy" bill. I'm not gonna lie...my stepdaughter can be dramatic. Dramatic--to the Nth degree--dramatic. But I could feel that night that her angst was completely authentic. I know what it is to want my Mom. Nobody else will do. You get that homesick feeling in the pit of your tummy. You know what I mean, ladies, don't you? And seeing her cry made me feel like my own heart may just burst into a million little pieces...not because I felt so helpless and inadequate (which, of course, I did) but because I am a girl with a Mom, too. I get it. And when you want your Mom...a hug and attempts at comforting from your Stepmom...is not even close to good enough. I felt that old internal role confusion again. Where do I fit into this little girl's world? What do I do to make this better? What do I do when there really is nothing to do to make this better? And so I left her bedroom and I cried too.

So, then...my husband had two crying ladies on his hands. The estrogen level in the house was at like Code-Red HIGH. There was an intense expression of fear on his face at not knowing what to do with all this emotional turmoil and angst. If there was a bomb shelter or panic room in our house, I am pretty sure that is where he would have fled to.

Thankfully,  a good night's rest for all of us cured our woes and we were able to move past Mommy-angst and onto celebrating the greatest holiday ever invented (with the exception of Festivus, of course).

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and found something, no matter how small, to be thankful for. 

Legend Has It...

...that as a child...I was such a poor car traveler that my parents once drugged me with Dramamine to shut me up on a road trip. However, halfway through said road trip, they had to pull over and check my vitals because I was THAT comatose. They thought they may have overdone it and killed me. Imagine their initial relief at my silenced dramamined cries, followed by the panic of not being able to tell if their little girl was breathing, and then the subsequent relief again that I was alive and would not be screaming for quite some time. Ah parenting.

Today...I am still that terrible traveler. I may have toned down the screaming and crying part (though it is still happening on the inside and my husband has accused me now of making "old people noises" while car-riding). I don't know what it is. It is like being held in a straight-jacket. Tortured from the inside out. I can entertain myself here and there, but always ALWAYS the boredom sets in. The rocking-back-and-forth hysteria of being trapped. Inside a metal cage. Hurdling (or sometimes sitting still...the worst!) through space and time, but its just time being used up...faster and faster and and and getting nowhere all that fast and and...it drives me insane!

Yesterday while traveling south to pick up my stepdaughter, I dropped my precious cell phone under the seat. It was wedged up in there and I could not get it out no matter how many different ways I tried. Move the seat front. Move the seat back. Butt up in air. Sitting up. Laying down. It was stuck. My brother offered to pull over so it could be retrieved, but...I mean...that would just be silly. Surely, I could make it without holding my cell phone in my hand for the next 30 minutes when we were scheduled to reach our destination. But...oh....the internal agony! I would be ok for 5 minutes and then I would have to go through the whole operation again. Then calm down for 5 minutes and repeat. Pathetic.

I did make it the 30 minutes without the cell phone or any other form of entertainment aside from well...the radio, my brother, the scenery, the other travelers. It was just not enough. My internal drama was enough to make Cybil look like a completely sane person.

I love to travel...as in "be other places", but the getting there and getting back part. Horrid. Is there a pill for that? A teleportation trick? Can you bring Jamaica to me?

Anyway...since I like to be other places, I suppose I will have to continue to fight the evil travel demons that live inside me...but I do not think that I will ever be that person who can just "sit back and enjoy the ride". Nope. Never.